I have trust issues.
That’s a fact. There have been events in my life that has left me to trust very few people. Abandonment issues that make me want to keep others at an arms distance so that no one can get close enough to make me feel pain again. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who to believe or what makes sense and what doesn’t. Scariest of all, sometimes I feel like I don’t trust myself.
So I run. I run away from the “problems” I try and throw myself into busy work. I keep a smile on my face to show to everyone that I am okay. I busy myself with “prayer time” “quite time” “bible study” so that I can “erase” my shame, my mistakes, my guilt that creeps and nests in my mind.
These trust issues ripple over into my relationship with the only One that is true. My trust issues with others affect my trust with Christ. I have gotten so used to getting hurt, by living in this world of a “conditional” love that I push away the ONLY One who can truly promise to love me without condition or repair. He promises that I CAN trust Him. Deuteronomy 7:9 “Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; He is faithful, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations”
Which leads me to even feeling good enough in myself to trust His promises. I am so worthless, how could He promise me all these things, and really mean them?
I try and earn God’s blessings by doing all the things I have been told to do, to pray hard, to read every day, to share with others. Here’s the deal breaker.. God can’t love me anymore than He does now. Those things won’t make Him love me more than He does. His love ISNT conditional. It’s not based on the number of sermons I attend, how many times I volunteer for nursery or teach Sunday school. His love isn’t dependent on the number of hours I spend on quite time, or in prayer. Those things are acts of obedience, and shown out of love. Bart Miller of Mercy Me put it this way “I don’t buy my wife flowers to make her love me, I buy her flowers because I am so in love with her and adore her so much, I want to see her happy” wow.. Are we treating Jesus like that? Do we give Him time because it’s what we are supposed to do? Or because our love for Him is so genuine, we cant help but show Him we adore Him through actions & words.
Francis Chan spoke of this at Passion and I will paraphrase what He spoke on. In 2 Timothy 2:11-13 it says
“Here is a TRUSTWORTHY saying:
If we died with Him, we will also live with Him;
If we endure, we will also reign with Him.
If we disown Him, He will also disown us.
If we are faithless, HE REMAINS FAITHFUL, for HE CANNOT disown Himself.”
WOW. Check out the condition there in the last sentence, THERE IS NONE!!! There isn’t if we are faithless, so will He be.. Because NO HE can not be unfaithful.. it is WHO HE is.. There is an ultimate TRUTH in who HE is. No matter what we do, how far we have fallen, the shame and guilt we endure, HE REMAINS FAITHFUL. Our actions do not change Him, and His love for us does not change. We aren’t our shame, We are not our guilt. We are HIS.
To sum it up, yes I am a dirty sinner.. but to be completely honest, I am tired of talking about that. Do I think we should stay humble? Of course. We need to remember how great grace is to cover the magnitude of our sin. But in retrospect, I am tired of the guilt weighing me down. Jesus Christ left His throne, to be born into poverty, ridiculed, teased, tortured, but none of that would have mattered if it weren’t for the end.. which became the beginning. His death on the cross, and resurrection of the new covenant. The veil was TORN. There is nothing separating us from the Father. So yes, I am a wretched sinner, but when Christ, in His last breath, said “It is Finished” He meant it. That was it. In that single act, the grace He has given to me has made me pure. I am in white in His eyes. He sees me as clean and blameless. I am tired of not feeling good enough to accept the TRUTH in His promises. It’s time we realize that even when we feel we have no one in the world to trust, He is on our side. His promises are true, and we can TRUST in Him.